Embracing the Chaos

I dream about the day when we have all settled into our life together and behave like one big happy family.

Ha!

I know better now that that's not how life works. It's not how God works. He continually challenges us with new trials and tests to grow us more dependent on Him.

But, foolishly I still expect this harmony! I get so discouraged when my kids come home and tell me they got in trouble in school today. EveryDAY! For some reason because I told them to behave I expect it from them with no mercy for their failures. I have made peace my idol.

I know that the only way I will be able to love my family more is to love Christ more. Sadly, I love myself way too much and all these children just keep getting in the way of my perfect dream, peace.

Thankfully God doesn't see us that way. We are not ruining His perfect peace. He loves us with a selfless, enduring, perfect love. May my heart grow more and more dependent on Christ.

Less of me more of Him.

Floating

Do you ever feel like your floating above the surface, caught in between two places? I have been home schooling for three and a half years and now it is no more. I can't quite get a grasp on my new reality just yet. I still hurry around the house trying to get everything done quickly because that was what I was used to. I have forgotten how to enjoy a day. I have Nate home with me now and I have to relearn how to sit down and play with him. I have so many things jarbled in my head that I have a hard time thinking straight.

But now is the time to relearn them. I want to learn how to have complete thought again. I want to be able to leave my room and go to the kitchen and remember why I was in there. I don't want to race around anymore. I want to enjoy God in the big things of my life and the little things of the day. I just pray that the way in which I choose to use my day brings glory to Him, even as a housewife.

2012 What a new beginning

I know that many times the beginning of the year poses new prospects and new ventures, but this year is bitter sweet for me. We have passed out of the home school circle and into the public school domain. This has not been an easy disicion for us nor has it been a rash move. This is a change for our family that effects the whole family.

I loved home schooling. I loved having my kids around. I loved the freedom to do as we wished when we wished. But as time went by and they grew older life together and schoolwork got harder. Our adoption is finalized and we are so happy to have that over. Now I want to focus on taking care of my family with a happy heart. I haven't been doing that for a while and it grieves me to say that I have not been a good steward with my children's hearts.

I don't know what next year will look like. Maybe I will work with one or two of the other kids or maybe they will all stay where they are at. I do know that I serve a gracious God who loves me and takes care of me even when I push myself to far. He is more interested in my love for Him and how I portrait Christ to my children, than in how many A's my kids can achieve.

The Finish Line

I can't believe we made it. Joseph, Joshua and Nathaniel are finally ours!!!

December 13th, 2011 we went before a judge and officially made those boys Nuckolls'. The whole thing took ten minutes and the judge started early so half of our support group missed it. It feels wonderful to be free now. Free from the eyes of the state social workers looking over our shoulders. The moment we walked out of that courtroom I felt like their mom.

18 months have gone by since those boys first came into our lives and it has been a crazy ride. If the fact that they have been adopted for 2 weeks now and this the first time I have been able to write about it is any indication of how busy things are around here then you can feel my pain.

I can't ever hold a thought long enough in my head to write a descent post. Praise be to God for all that He has done for us and all that He has brought us through.

This Better Be Worth It.

The title appealed to me because it seemed catchy, but in truth doesn't reflect my feelings.

Oh, what a ride this has been. We have been a family of 8 for 15 months now and life has not slowed down a bit. I feel like a train has run me over, then backed up and ran me over again, just for the fun of it. I am still amazed at how many children can get into trouble in one day. They never tire of finding new trouble and some of them never get tired of repeating the same trouble daily.

It's like they are trying to outdo each other at how many office visits they can rack up in one year. The sad thing is that this includes some home schooled kids too!

If it wasn't for the GRACE and MERCY of my gracious GOD then I would pull my tail between my legs and find a nice cave to live in for awhile (preferably in the tropics). My life is insane! I thank all of you who pray for us because the only thing that gets us through each and every day is God's grace and mercy. I try to be honest and transparent so that others can see that I'm not Wonder Woman, but a sinner who stands on the grace of a loving Savior.

I heard someone say once that if you have ever thought of adopting a child to help them out, buy a puppy. Because if you are not prepared for the life changing, gut-wrenching reality of sacrifice and if you are not willing to change everything about your dependence on yourself then a puppy is the right purchase for you. The bread and water that keeps me alive and sane is Christ, everyday in every way.

The Never Ending Story

I had great hopes that by now all of the adoption and state matters would be behind us. I had envisioned a November full of official Nuckollhead celebration and merrymaking. I am to be disappointed.

We are heading into the second week of November and no word from our lawyer as to when a court date can be set. At the beginning of October we thought we were 2-3 weeks out from seeing a judge. As it stands now I hope we can see one before Christmas!

I wish I could see into God's plan for our future and know why this is taking so long, but I will take comfort in knowing that it's His plan and they never go wrong. To tell you the truth I have to remind myself that it's taking so long because we've been so busy lately that I forget it's not official yet.

We've had a lot going on. I'm lucky to remember my name anymore. Please pray that this court appearance would happen soon and that God would preserve us through this trying time.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can see the light now and it's very clear. We were given the go ahead today to get a court date with out lawyer to adopt our boys finally. What started at the end of May 2010 is almost finished by the end of October 2011. I thought this would never come, and it's not over yet, but I am so excited to be done with the "game" and adopt our boys. Joey, Josh and Nate are already nuckollheads, but soon they will officially be OUR Nuckollheads.

This last 15 months have been more challenging than I could have ever predicted. No one could have prepared us even if they tried. Some things you can't understand until you live it. I thought I could handle what came our way, but God has greatly humbled me and shown me that no matter how hard I try it all comes down to HIM. He is my rock, He is my strength, He is my salvation!

Beat Down

Sometimes you're beat down so low only God is able to build you back up. He sure has quite the construction zone going on in this home.

Jesse found me a song last year where the singer plays a slow sad tune for "I've Got the Joy Down In My Heart". I never knew why they would sing such an uplifting song so melancholy. We used to tease and make fun of the song. It has recently become my song. Yes, I do have joy down in my heart for the Lord, but sometimes that joy is buried under a mountain of sorrow. I have hope that it will resurface someday. Joy doesn't mean walking around with a permanent smile all the time. Joy is more than an expression on the face. Sometimes my joy is seen out front and over the top and sometimes it's in the quiet of my room as I CRY out to the Lord for Him to draw near.

Pain and sorrow are real emotions that really do matter, but the Lord is with us through it all tearing down old habits and rebuilding new dependencies on Him. May He give us new mercies for the new day.

Driving Blind

The problem with driving blind is... you can't see where you are going. I like to know where I'm going and where I've been and what's the shortest route to get there! I feel blind lately. My sense of direction is all messed up, like when a compass is touched by a magnet, it looses its bearing to point North.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't lost the foundation that I stand upon, He is solid as a rock. But I can't see through the fog to know where He wants us to go. When one country denies you for adopting from them it's a little unnerving. Our goal is to serve Jesus and in that we are willing to go where ever we wants us to go and do whatever He calls us to do. And right now I don't know if that means forget the whole international thing or chose a different country. We have so many documents done and approved and waiting for a destination. The United States Immigration has approved us and we have a home study completed which are two of the lengthiest parts of the process. So much just sitting around waiting for a country to be chosen.

God has His plan and right now He is holding back the revelation of it from us. Wow, is that ever so difficult to accept and be content with. But He is God and I am a speck and will be a joyful speck as I wait on Him for all things. To God be the glory, Amen.

Denied.

A simple word carries with it the weight of the world. My heart breaks for the thing that is not to be. On Tuesday our international adoption agency called to tell us the Rwandan government has reviewed our papers again and have denied us after accepting us 2 months ago and referring a child to us. What does one say after being denied. I hate that word because for me it's personal. It would be one thing if the country just said no, but not that long ago they said yes and we were inches from getting a picture and info on this little boy. I feel a lose and it goes deep.

I have learned, loved and wept for this country for 2 years now. Rwanda is a household word in our family and my children have been saving up pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters for the orphans at the Home of Hope in Kigali, Rwanda. We could almost taste the African air, but even though it all doesn't make sense I have the hope that keeps me breathing that I serve a Mighty God. He has a plan. He is in control. He loves me. Proverbs 16:9 continues to replay in my head over and over. "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Jesse and I ventured to follow where ever God led us and back again.

The world may deny us and see what our hearts yearn for as foolish, but God loved us enough to send His own beloved Son to take on the wrath that we deserve so that we may be adopted into God's family and be called sons of God. Adoption is a beautiful process full of hard work with a little extra hard work on the side.

So we move on... hopefully Joey, Josh and Nate will legally be ours in a couple of months and then we just keep plugging on. I rest in knowing I will never be denied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus.