Embracing the Chaos

I dream about the day when we have all settled into our life together and behave like one big happy family.

Ha!

I know better now that that's not how life works. It's not how God works. He continually challenges us with new trials and tests to grow us more dependent on Him.

But, foolishly I still expect this harmony! I get so discouraged when my kids come home and tell me they got in trouble in school today. EveryDAY! For some reason because I told them to behave I expect it from them with no mercy for their failures. I have made peace my idol.

I know that the only way I will be able to love my family more is to love Christ more. Sadly, I love myself way too much and all these children just keep getting in the way of my perfect dream, peace.

Thankfully God doesn't see us that way. We are not ruining His perfect peace. He loves us with a selfless, enduring, perfect love. May my heart grow more and more dependent on Christ.

Less of me more of Him.

Floating

Do you ever feel like your floating above the surface, caught in between two places? I have been home schooling for three and a half years and now it is no more. I can't quite get a grasp on my new reality just yet. I still hurry around the house trying to get everything done quickly because that was what I was used to. I have forgotten how to enjoy a day. I have Nate home with me now and I have to relearn how to sit down and play with him. I have so many things jarbled in my head that I have a hard time thinking straight.

But now is the time to relearn them. I want to learn how to have complete thought again. I want to be able to leave my room and go to the kitchen and remember why I was in there. I don't want to race around anymore. I want to enjoy God in the big things of my life and the little things of the day. I just pray that the way in which I choose to use my day brings glory to Him, even as a housewife.

2012 What a new beginning

I know that many times the beginning of the year poses new prospects and new ventures, but this year is bitter sweet for me. We have passed out of the home school circle and into the public school domain. This has not been an easy disicion for us nor has it been a rash move. This is a change for our family that effects the whole family.

I loved home schooling. I loved having my kids around. I loved the freedom to do as we wished when we wished. But as time went by and they grew older life together and schoolwork got harder. Our adoption is finalized and we are so happy to have that over. Now I want to focus on taking care of my family with a happy heart. I haven't been doing that for a while and it grieves me to say that I have not been a good steward with my children's hearts.

I don't know what next year will look like. Maybe I will work with one or two of the other kids or maybe they will all stay where they are at. I do know that I serve a gracious God who loves me and takes care of me even when I push myself to far. He is more interested in my love for Him and how I portrait Christ to my children, than in how many A's my kids can achieve.

The Finish Line

I can't believe we made it. Joseph, Joshua and Nathaniel are finally ours!!!

December 13th, 2011 we went before a judge and officially made those boys Nuckolls'. The whole thing took ten minutes and the judge started early so half of our support group missed it. It feels wonderful to be free now. Free from the eyes of the state social workers looking over our shoulders. The moment we walked out of that courtroom I felt like their mom.

18 months have gone by since those boys first came into our lives and it has been a crazy ride. If the fact that they have been adopted for 2 weeks now and this the first time I have been able to write about it is any indication of how busy things are around here then you can feel my pain.

I can't ever hold a thought long enough in my head to write a descent post. Praise be to God for all that He has done for us and all that He has brought us through.

This Better Be Worth It.

The title appealed to me because it seemed catchy, but in truth doesn't reflect my feelings.

Oh, what a ride this has been. We have been a family of 8 for 15 months now and life has not slowed down a bit. I feel like a train has run me over, then backed up and ran me over again, just for the fun of it. I am still amazed at how many children can get into trouble in one day. They never tire of finding new trouble and some of them never get tired of repeating the same trouble daily.

It's like they are trying to outdo each other at how many office visits they can rack up in one year. The sad thing is that this includes some home schooled kids too!

If it wasn't for the GRACE and MERCY of my gracious GOD then I would pull my tail between my legs and find a nice cave to live in for awhile (preferably in the tropics). My life is insane! I thank all of you who pray for us because the only thing that gets us through each and every day is God's grace and mercy. I try to be honest and transparent so that others can see that I'm not Wonder Woman, but a sinner who stands on the grace of a loving Savior.

I heard someone say once that if you have ever thought of adopting a child to help them out, buy a puppy. Because if you are not prepared for the life changing, gut-wrenching reality of sacrifice and if you are not willing to change everything about your dependence on yourself then a puppy is the right purchase for you. The bread and water that keeps me alive and sane is Christ, everyday in every way.

The Never Ending Story

I had great hopes that by now all of the adoption and state matters would be behind us. I had envisioned a November full of official Nuckollhead celebration and merrymaking. I am to be disappointed.

We are heading into the second week of November and no word from our lawyer as to when a court date can be set. At the beginning of October we thought we were 2-3 weeks out from seeing a judge. As it stands now I hope we can see one before Christmas!

I wish I could see into God's plan for our future and know why this is taking so long, but I will take comfort in knowing that it's His plan and they never go wrong. To tell you the truth I have to remind myself that it's taking so long because we've been so busy lately that I forget it's not official yet.

We've had a lot going on. I'm lucky to remember my name anymore. Please pray that this court appearance would happen soon and that God would preserve us through this trying time.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can see the light now and it's very clear. We were given the go ahead today to get a court date with out lawyer to adopt our boys finally. What started at the end of May 2010 is almost finished by the end of October 2011. I thought this would never come, and it's not over yet, but I am so excited to be done with the "game" and adopt our boys. Joey, Josh and Nate are already nuckollheads, but soon they will officially be OUR Nuckollheads.

This last 15 months have been more challenging than I could have ever predicted. No one could have prepared us even if they tried. Some things you can't understand until you live it. I thought I could handle what came our way, but God has greatly humbled me and shown me that no matter how hard I try it all comes down to HIM. He is my rock, He is my strength, He is my salvation!

Beat Down

Sometimes you're beat down so low only God is able to build you back up. He sure has quite the construction zone going on in this home.

Jesse found me a song last year where the singer plays a slow sad tune for "I've Got the Joy Down In My Heart". I never knew why they would sing such an uplifting song so melancholy. We used to tease and make fun of the song. It has recently become my song. Yes, I do have joy down in my heart for the Lord, but sometimes that joy is buried under a mountain of sorrow. I have hope that it will resurface someday. Joy doesn't mean walking around with a permanent smile all the time. Joy is more than an expression on the face. Sometimes my joy is seen out front and over the top and sometimes it's in the quiet of my room as I CRY out to the Lord for Him to draw near.

Pain and sorrow are real emotions that really do matter, but the Lord is with us through it all tearing down old habits and rebuilding new dependencies on Him. May He give us new mercies for the new day.

Driving Blind

The problem with driving blind is... you can't see where you are going. I like to know where I'm going and where I've been and what's the shortest route to get there! I feel blind lately. My sense of direction is all messed up, like when a compass is touched by a magnet, it looses its bearing to point North.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't lost the foundation that I stand upon, He is solid as a rock. But I can't see through the fog to know where He wants us to go. When one country denies you for adopting from them it's a little unnerving. Our goal is to serve Jesus and in that we are willing to go where ever we wants us to go and do whatever He calls us to do. And right now I don't know if that means forget the whole international thing or chose a different country. We have so many documents done and approved and waiting for a destination. The United States Immigration has approved us and we have a home study completed which are two of the lengthiest parts of the process. So much just sitting around waiting for a country to be chosen.

God has His plan and right now He is holding back the revelation of it from us. Wow, is that ever so difficult to accept and be content with. But He is God and I am a speck and will be a joyful speck as I wait on Him for all things. To God be the glory, Amen.

Denied.

A simple word carries with it the weight of the world. My heart breaks for the thing that is not to be. On Tuesday our international adoption agency called to tell us the Rwandan government has reviewed our papers again and have denied us after accepting us 2 months ago and referring a child to us. What does one say after being denied. I hate that word because for me it's personal. It would be one thing if the country just said no, but not that long ago they said yes and we were inches from getting a picture and info on this little boy. I feel a lose and it goes deep.

I have learned, loved and wept for this country for 2 years now. Rwanda is a household word in our family and my children have been saving up pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters for the orphans at the Home of Hope in Kigali, Rwanda. We could almost taste the African air, but even though it all doesn't make sense I have the hope that keeps me breathing that I serve a Mighty God. He has a plan. He is in control. He loves me. Proverbs 16:9 continues to replay in my head over and over. "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Jesse and I ventured to follow where ever God led us and back again.

The world may deny us and see what our hearts yearn for as foolish, but God loved us enough to send His own beloved Son to take on the wrath that we deserve so that we may be adopted into God's family and be called sons of God. Adoption is a beautiful process full of hard work with a little extra hard work on the side.

So we move on... hopefully Joey, Josh and Nate will legally be ours in a couple of months and then we just keep plugging on. I rest in knowing I will never be denied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

The Revolving Door Syndrom

Do you ever feel like you're living in a revolving door? It opens and then it closes .... and then it opens again, but no, wait it's actually closing again! I know the Lord wants an obedient heart more than a check list of accomplishments and this is what He is proving again. The door to Rwanda may be closing and if it does this time it most likely will be for good. If we have to wait 6 months until after our boys from the state are legally adopted, which won't be till the end of the year, then everything will be outdated and Rwanda is not going to wait for us.

I struggle to see how after 10 months of believing we were never going to Rwanda and then finding out we can go and adopt a little boy to then having the opportunity taken from us again can glorify God. His ways are a mystery, but they are true and He is in control all the time and every time.

My heart yearns for the children of Rwanda. My family feels like something is missing. We have talked about this child for 2 years now and everyone in our home is longing to meet him. I wish other people could see that we don't adopt to fulfill something missing in our lives, but to live like Christ. This story is not about me, its not about 10 steps to adopting a bigger family, but about Christ's love. He loved me so much that He bore my sin upon the cross. He adopted me into His family that I might be called a Child of God. I pray that we would get to bring this little boy from Rwanda home and call him a Nuckollhead too.

A Simple Adoption

I think those words are antonyms. I don't know why I would have ever thought that this process at any point would be simple or easy. Right when we were getting used to having three extra boys in the family here comes the prospect of another one from Rwanda. At first it seemed like we just had to get a few "simple" things done and then we would be one a jet plane headed to Africa.

HAhahahahahaha...ha!

(That was a sad and evil laugh all at the same time.)

Our immigration fingerprint request has been sent back to us already because we didn't have the right form and our home study update doesn't seem like it's ever going to be updated. I could freak out about the thought that there is a little boy in Africa referred to us already and we need to go get him, but I won't (mostly because my husband said I can't). God knows who that little boy is and has already planned when he will be in our home. Who am I to think I know the times and dates of such things better than God. It's His plan and His glory!!!

Encouragement?!?

I always told myself not to post anything unless it was encouraging or positive. I didn't want to use this as a venting place, my prayer journal gets enough of that, but as a place of encouragement to show how God is working in and through me. Sometimes I need to remind myself that He is working even when I "feels" like He's not.

So I will try and drudge up some encouragement like...

the sun will come out tomorrow...or...God will never give you more than you can handle...or...Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world...or...good always triumphs over evil? Some of those are pretty weak, but the simple truth is,

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Truly Humbled

Jesse was showing me how to review my blog history and I was truly humbled. There is a button that shows me stats of how many people have read my posts and from where. There have been over 4,000 hits on my blog since I started last year sometime. Amazing! My blog has been looked at 54 times from South Korea, 27 times from Germany, and 11 times from the Ukraine. Praise God!

If you all think that I have anything worth reading to say then praise God because it all comes from Him. Now a days everyone and their dog has a blog, but many of you have chosen to take 5 minutes of your day to read about our household and I am truly humbled. It definitely makes me thankful for spell check! If only my high school English teacher could see me now.

My greatest hope is that I portray our family and adoption honestly and that God gets all the credit for the good things in our home. I do pray for those who leave comments and please know they are greatly appreciated and cherished.

Jumping through the HOOPS

I was reminded of the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament this morning and how God commanded the Israelite warriors to march around Jericho for so many days then blast their horns and shout. The walls came down and the Israelites won. Why would God make them do all that? It's not a formula for warfare and it definitely didn't make them look intimidating or aggressive.
SO...
Why would God open our hearts to adopt from Rwanda have us spend a year doing all the crazy paperwork to then close the door tightly. Then when a year has gone by God opened this closed door and is again guiding us to adopt from Rwanda. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this in the last two weeks. The only answer I can come up with is because He said so. When God speaks I listen. If He tells you to march around a city wall to overcome your enemy then you do it. If He tells you to serve at the local rest home or teach at a Christian school for peanuts or travel across the world to spread the gospel then you do it.
BECAUSE...
This world is about Him and my life belongs to Him. If God wanted to humble the Israelites to show His power and glory by being the only reason they overcame their enemy then He gets to because it's His world. I feel blessed to be shown His glory and power in my life everyday as I live in Crazytown. Who adopts 4 kids in one year, both domestically and internationally??? I am nooooo super woman, I am a sinner saved by grace, but I serve an amazing God!

The Number Game

My head already hurts from counting kids all the time. Everywhere we go I count heads. Sometimes I start with 8 and just think of who's not with us then subtract. Just when I was getting the numbers down God threw us a curve ball. Now I'm going to have to start with 9 and subtract.

We have been approved and been given a referral for a child in Africa. This wasn't supposed to happen. That door had been closed last summer. But God..... He is amazing and does amazing things when we are asleep, or not looking, or pursuing other things, or just plain tired. God closed that door and then designed for it to be opened at His appointed time.

This was an out of the blue blessing. I know many may think I'm in over my head and I would agree with them. But one has to ask the question, "Is God sovereign or not?" I believe He is in control of all things and works them together for His glory. So if God has entrusted three boys from the state to us plus my children that I gave birth to then He has a great plan for this family as He delivers one more from Africa. Oh boy, here we go!!!

As good as it gets, after 6 tries. (I mean with the camera, not the amount of children.) Poor Nate is hiding.

Bitter Sweet Joy

How do you rejoice over the loss of one mother's rights for her children. Today was a victory for the Nuckolls household, but I am having a hard time feeling true joy. The birth mother of our boys lost her rights today and even if I want to sing for joy because now we can move on with our adoption I'm finding it hard. Yes, her rights have been terminated, but that doesn't mean she doesn't exist anymore. They still have a birth mother and it's not me. The victory is all on paper and I pray that over the next several months the victory would be in all our hearts as well.

Now we wait for an adoption worker and spend the next 5-6 months having a lawyer do paperwork. The summer is almost here and the stress of the school year is winding down as we now try and figure out what to do this summer. Baby's crying and so my time on the internet is now up.

Small Feats

I took all six kids to JC Penney's in Reno today. I thought it could go o.k. because I told everyone they would get a new Easter shirt if they all behaved. I felt like a nut case. Who takes six kids to the mall on a Saturday right before a holiday on their own? Everyone wanted their shirt first and then they all had to go to the bathroom right when I wanted to pick out a new shirt for me.

All in all it was a fun day and after the trip to Chuck E. Cheese with Grandma and Grandpa Nuckolls and Aunt Melissa the In and Out burger and the Target Icee they were all very appreciative.

I felt bad this year because we haven't had the time to color eggs or made sugar cookies or do our own egg hunts. Those aren't the reason for Easter to be sure, but they are activities that have become family traditions. But maybe today we started a new tradtion, pig out in Reno and buy new shirts on sale! I'm tired now and next year Jesse and join us.

The Brain Blog

I wish this blog could just read my brain and write out a wonderful blog that encouraged and lifted those who read this. I don't have the time or energy (or joy at the moment) to write such an entry and so this is all I could think of. I'm not grumbling just wishing I had a clone to do all my work for me so that I could spend my time blogging or reading other bloggers.

On the other hand maybe I don't want any of you reading my brain, that could get messy! I could use your prayers though because all these kids wear me out and I'm running out of ideas on how to deal with them. My only solution so far is chocolate, not for them of course, but just for me. Those children don't need anymore sugar in their systems than what they get from fruit.

No brain blog, just old fashion typing.