Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can see the light now and it's very clear. We were given the go ahead today to get a court date with out lawyer to adopt our boys finally. What started at the end of May 2010 is almost finished by the end of October 2011. I thought this would never come, and it's not over yet, but I am so excited to be done with the "game" and adopt our boys. Joey, Josh and Nate are already nuckollheads, but soon they will officially be OUR Nuckollheads.

This last 15 months have been more challenging than I could have ever predicted. No one could have prepared us even if they tried. Some things you can't understand until you live it. I thought I could handle what came our way, but God has greatly humbled me and shown me that no matter how hard I try it all comes down to HIM. He is my rock, He is my strength, He is my salvation!

Beat Down

Sometimes you're beat down so low only God is able to build you back up. He sure has quite the construction zone going on in this home.

Jesse found me a song last year where the singer plays a slow sad tune for "I've Got the Joy Down In My Heart". I never knew why they would sing such an uplifting song so melancholy. We used to tease and make fun of the song. It has recently become my song. Yes, I do have joy down in my heart for the Lord, but sometimes that joy is buried under a mountain of sorrow. I have hope that it will resurface someday. Joy doesn't mean walking around with a permanent smile all the time. Joy is more than an expression on the face. Sometimes my joy is seen out front and over the top and sometimes it's in the quiet of my room as I CRY out to the Lord for Him to draw near.

Pain and sorrow are real emotions that really do matter, but the Lord is with us through it all tearing down old habits and rebuilding new dependencies on Him. May He give us new mercies for the new day.

Driving Blind

The problem with driving blind is... you can't see where you are going. I like to know where I'm going and where I've been and what's the shortest route to get there! I feel blind lately. My sense of direction is all messed up, like when a compass is touched by a magnet, it looses its bearing to point North.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't lost the foundation that I stand upon, He is solid as a rock. But I can't see through the fog to know where He wants us to go. When one country denies you for adopting from them it's a little unnerving. Our goal is to serve Jesus and in that we are willing to go where ever we wants us to go and do whatever He calls us to do. And right now I don't know if that means forget the whole international thing or chose a different country. We have so many documents done and approved and waiting for a destination. The United States Immigration has approved us and we have a home study completed which are two of the lengthiest parts of the process. So much just sitting around waiting for a country to be chosen.

God has His plan and right now He is holding back the revelation of it from us. Wow, is that ever so difficult to accept and be content with. But He is God and I am a speck and will be a joyful speck as I wait on Him for all things. To God be the glory, Amen.

Denied.

A simple word carries with it the weight of the world. My heart breaks for the thing that is not to be. On Tuesday our international adoption agency called to tell us the Rwandan government has reviewed our papers again and have denied us after accepting us 2 months ago and referring a child to us. What does one say after being denied. I hate that word because for me it's personal. It would be one thing if the country just said no, but not that long ago they said yes and we were inches from getting a picture and info on this little boy. I feel a lose and it goes deep.

I have learned, loved and wept for this country for 2 years now. Rwanda is a household word in our family and my children have been saving up pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters for the orphans at the Home of Hope in Kigali, Rwanda. We could almost taste the African air, but even though it all doesn't make sense I have the hope that keeps me breathing that I serve a Mighty God. He has a plan. He is in control. He loves me. Proverbs 16:9 continues to replay in my head over and over. "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Jesse and I ventured to follow where ever God led us and back again.

The world may deny us and see what our hearts yearn for as foolish, but God loved us enough to send His own beloved Son to take on the wrath that we deserve so that we may be adopted into God's family and be called sons of God. Adoption is a beautiful process full of hard work with a little extra hard work on the side.

So we move on... hopefully Joey, Josh and Nate will legally be ours in a couple of months and then we just keep plugging on. I rest in knowing I will never be denied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

The Revolving Door Syndrom

Do you ever feel like you're living in a revolving door? It opens and then it closes .... and then it opens again, but no, wait it's actually closing again! I know the Lord wants an obedient heart more than a check list of accomplishments and this is what He is proving again. The door to Rwanda may be closing and if it does this time it most likely will be for good. If we have to wait 6 months until after our boys from the state are legally adopted, which won't be till the end of the year, then everything will be outdated and Rwanda is not going to wait for us.

I struggle to see how after 10 months of believing we were never going to Rwanda and then finding out we can go and adopt a little boy to then having the opportunity taken from us again can glorify God. His ways are a mystery, but they are true and He is in control all the time and every time.

My heart yearns for the children of Rwanda. My family feels like something is missing. We have talked about this child for 2 years now and everyone in our home is longing to meet him. I wish other people could see that we don't adopt to fulfill something missing in our lives, but to live like Christ. This story is not about me, its not about 10 steps to adopting a bigger family, but about Christ's love. He loved me so much that He bore my sin upon the cross. He adopted me into His family that I might be called a Child of God. I pray that we would get to bring this little boy from Rwanda home and call him a Nuckollhead too.

A Simple Adoption

I think those words are antonyms. I don't know why I would have ever thought that this process at any point would be simple or easy. Right when we were getting used to having three extra boys in the family here comes the prospect of another one from Rwanda. At first it seemed like we just had to get a few "simple" things done and then we would be one a jet plane headed to Africa.

HAhahahahahaha...ha!

(That was a sad and evil laugh all at the same time.)

Our immigration fingerprint request has been sent back to us already because we didn't have the right form and our home study update doesn't seem like it's ever going to be updated. I could freak out about the thought that there is a little boy in Africa referred to us already and we need to go get him, but I won't (mostly because my husband said I can't). God knows who that little boy is and has already planned when he will be in our home. Who am I to think I know the times and dates of such things better than God. It's His plan and His glory!!!

Encouragement?!?

I always told myself not to post anything unless it was encouraging or positive. I didn't want to use this as a venting place, my prayer journal gets enough of that, but as a place of encouragement to show how God is working in and through me. Sometimes I need to remind myself that He is working even when I "feels" like He's not.

So I will try and drudge up some encouragement like...

the sun will come out tomorrow...or...God will never give you more than you can handle...or...Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world...or...good always triumphs over evil? Some of those are pretty weak, but the simple truth is,

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Truly Humbled

Jesse was showing me how to review my blog history and I was truly humbled. There is a button that shows me stats of how many people have read my posts and from where. There have been over 4,000 hits on my blog since I started last year sometime. Amazing! My blog has been looked at 54 times from South Korea, 27 times from Germany, and 11 times from the Ukraine. Praise God!

If you all think that I have anything worth reading to say then praise God because it all comes from Him. Now a days everyone and their dog has a blog, but many of you have chosen to take 5 minutes of your day to read about our household and I am truly humbled. It definitely makes me thankful for spell check! If only my high school English teacher could see me now.

My greatest hope is that I portray our family and adoption honestly and that God gets all the credit for the good things in our home. I do pray for those who leave comments and please know they are greatly appreciated and cherished.

Jumping through the HOOPS

I was reminded of the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament this morning and how God commanded the Israelite warriors to march around Jericho for so many days then blast their horns and shout. The walls came down and the Israelites won. Why would God make them do all that? It's not a formula for warfare and it definitely didn't make them look intimidating or aggressive.
SO...
Why would God open our hearts to adopt from Rwanda have us spend a year doing all the crazy paperwork to then close the door tightly. Then when a year has gone by God opened this closed door and is again guiding us to adopt from Rwanda. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this in the last two weeks. The only answer I can come up with is because He said so. When God speaks I listen. If He tells you to march around a city wall to overcome your enemy then you do it. If He tells you to serve at the local rest home or teach at a Christian school for peanuts or travel across the world to spread the gospel then you do it.
BECAUSE...
This world is about Him and my life belongs to Him. If God wanted to humble the Israelites to show His power and glory by being the only reason they overcame their enemy then He gets to because it's His world. I feel blessed to be shown His glory and power in my life everyday as I live in Crazytown. Who adopts 4 kids in one year, both domestically and internationally??? I am nooooo super woman, I am a sinner saved by grace, but I serve an amazing God!

The Number Game

My head already hurts from counting kids all the time. Everywhere we go I count heads. Sometimes I start with 8 and just think of who's not with us then subtract. Just when I was getting the numbers down God threw us a curve ball. Now I'm going to have to start with 9 and subtract.

We have been approved and been given a referral for a child in Africa. This wasn't supposed to happen. That door had been closed last summer. But God..... He is amazing and does amazing things when we are asleep, or not looking, or pursuing other things, or just plain tired. God closed that door and then designed for it to be opened at His appointed time.

This was an out of the blue blessing. I know many may think I'm in over my head and I would agree with them. But one has to ask the question, "Is God sovereign or not?" I believe He is in control of all things and works them together for His glory. So if God has entrusted three boys from the state to us plus my children that I gave birth to then He has a great plan for this family as He delivers one more from Africa. Oh boy, here we go!!!