Denied.

A simple word carries with it the weight of the world. My heart breaks for the thing that is not to be. On Tuesday our international adoption agency called to tell us the Rwandan government has reviewed our papers again and have denied us after accepting us 2 months ago and referring a child to us. What does one say after being denied. I hate that word because for me it's personal. It would be one thing if the country just said no, but not that long ago they said yes and we were inches from getting a picture and info on this little boy. I feel a lose and it goes deep.

I have learned, loved and wept for this country for 2 years now. Rwanda is a household word in our family and my children have been saving up pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters for the orphans at the Home of Hope in Kigali, Rwanda. We could almost taste the African air, but even though it all doesn't make sense I have the hope that keeps me breathing that I serve a Mighty God. He has a plan. He is in control. He loves me. Proverbs 16:9 continues to replay in my head over and over. "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Jesse and I ventured to follow where ever God led us and back again.

The world may deny us and see what our hearts yearn for as foolish, but God loved us enough to send His own beloved Son to take on the wrath that we deserve so that we may be adopted into God's family and be called sons of God. Adoption is a beautiful process full of hard work with a little extra hard work on the side.

So we move on... hopefully Joey, Josh and Nate will legally be ours in a couple of months and then we just keep plugging on. I rest in knowing I will never be denied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

The Revolving Door Syndrom

Do you ever feel like you're living in a revolving door? It opens and then it closes .... and then it opens again, but no, wait it's actually closing again! I know the Lord wants an obedient heart more than a check list of accomplishments and this is what He is proving again. The door to Rwanda may be closing and if it does this time it most likely will be for good. If we have to wait 6 months until after our boys from the state are legally adopted, which won't be till the end of the year, then everything will be outdated and Rwanda is not going to wait for us.

I struggle to see how after 10 months of believing we were never going to Rwanda and then finding out we can go and adopt a little boy to then having the opportunity taken from us again can glorify God. His ways are a mystery, but they are true and He is in control all the time and every time.

My heart yearns for the children of Rwanda. My family feels like something is missing. We have talked about this child for 2 years now and everyone in our home is longing to meet him. I wish other people could see that we don't adopt to fulfill something missing in our lives, but to live like Christ. This story is not about me, its not about 10 steps to adopting a bigger family, but about Christ's love. He loved me so much that He bore my sin upon the cross. He adopted me into His family that I might be called a Child of God. I pray that we would get to bring this little boy from Rwanda home and call him a Nuckollhead too.

A Simple Adoption

I think those words are antonyms. I don't know why I would have ever thought that this process at any point would be simple or easy. Right when we were getting used to having three extra boys in the family here comes the prospect of another one from Rwanda. At first it seemed like we just had to get a few "simple" things done and then we would be one a jet plane headed to Africa.

HAhahahahahaha...ha!

(That was a sad and evil laugh all at the same time.)

Our immigration fingerprint request has been sent back to us already because we didn't have the right form and our home study update doesn't seem like it's ever going to be updated. I could freak out about the thought that there is a little boy in Africa referred to us already and we need to go get him, but I won't (mostly because my husband said I can't). God knows who that little boy is and has already planned when he will be in our home. Who am I to think I know the times and dates of such things better than God. It's His plan and His glory!!!