The Finish Line

I can't believe we made it. Joseph, Joshua and Nathaniel are finally ours!!!

December 13th, 2011 we went before a judge and officially made those boys Nuckolls'. The whole thing took ten minutes and the judge started early so half of our support group missed it. It feels wonderful to be free now. Free from the eyes of the state social workers looking over our shoulders. The moment we walked out of that courtroom I felt like their mom.

18 months have gone by since those boys first came into our lives and it has been a crazy ride. If the fact that they have been adopted for 2 weeks now and this the first time I have been able to write about it is any indication of how busy things are around here then you can feel my pain.

I can't ever hold a thought long enough in my head to write a descent post. Praise be to God for all that He has done for us and all that He has brought us through.

This Better Be Worth It.

The title appealed to me because it seemed catchy, but in truth doesn't reflect my feelings.

Oh, what a ride this has been. We have been a family of 8 for 15 months now and life has not slowed down a bit. I feel like a train has run me over, then backed up and ran me over again, just for the fun of it. I am still amazed at how many children can get into trouble in one day. They never tire of finding new trouble and some of them never get tired of repeating the same trouble daily.

It's like they are trying to outdo each other at how many office visits they can rack up in one year. The sad thing is that this includes some home schooled kids too!

If it wasn't for the GRACE and MERCY of my gracious GOD then I would pull my tail between my legs and find a nice cave to live in for awhile (preferably in the tropics). My life is insane! I thank all of you who pray for us because the only thing that gets us through each and every day is God's grace and mercy. I try to be honest and transparent so that others can see that I'm not Wonder Woman, but a sinner who stands on the grace of a loving Savior.

I heard someone say once that if you have ever thought of adopting a child to help them out, buy a puppy. Because if you are not prepared for the life changing, gut-wrenching reality of sacrifice and if you are not willing to change everything about your dependence on yourself then a puppy is the right purchase for you. The bread and water that keeps me alive and sane is Christ, everyday in every way.

The Never Ending Story

I had great hopes that by now all of the adoption and state matters would be behind us. I had envisioned a November full of official Nuckollhead celebration and merrymaking. I am to be disappointed.

We are heading into the second week of November and no word from our lawyer as to when a court date can be set. At the beginning of October we thought we were 2-3 weeks out from seeing a judge. As it stands now I hope we can see one before Christmas!

I wish I could see into God's plan for our future and know why this is taking so long, but I will take comfort in knowing that it's His plan and they never go wrong. To tell you the truth I have to remind myself that it's taking so long because we've been so busy lately that I forget it's not official yet.

We've had a lot going on. I'm lucky to remember my name anymore. Please pray that this court appearance would happen soon and that God would preserve us through this trying time.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can see the light now and it's very clear. We were given the go ahead today to get a court date with out lawyer to adopt our boys finally. What started at the end of May 2010 is almost finished by the end of October 2011. I thought this would never come, and it's not over yet, but I am so excited to be done with the "game" and adopt our boys. Joey, Josh and Nate are already nuckollheads, but soon they will officially be OUR Nuckollheads.

This last 15 months have been more challenging than I could have ever predicted. No one could have prepared us even if they tried. Some things you can't understand until you live it. I thought I could handle what came our way, but God has greatly humbled me and shown me that no matter how hard I try it all comes down to HIM. He is my rock, He is my strength, He is my salvation!

Beat Down

Sometimes you're beat down so low only God is able to build you back up. He sure has quite the construction zone going on in this home.

Jesse found me a song last year where the singer plays a slow sad tune for "I've Got the Joy Down In My Heart". I never knew why they would sing such an uplifting song so melancholy. We used to tease and make fun of the song. It has recently become my song. Yes, I do have joy down in my heart for the Lord, but sometimes that joy is buried under a mountain of sorrow. I have hope that it will resurface someday. Joy doesn't mean walking around with a permanent smile all the time. Joy is more than an expression on the face. Sometimes my joy is seen out front and over the top and sometimes it's in the quiet of my room as I CRY out to the Lord for Him to draw near.

Pain and sorrow are real emotions that really do matter, but the Lord is with us through it all tearing down old habits and rebuilding new dependencies on Him. May He give us new mercies for the new day.

Driving Blind

The problem with driving blind is... you can't see where you are going. I like to know where I'm going and where I've been and what's the shortest route to get there! I feel blind lately. My sense of direction is all messed up, like when a compass is touched by a magnet, it looses its bearing to point North.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't lost the foundation that I stand upon, He is solid as a rock. But I can't see through the fog to know where He wants us to go. When one country denies you for adopting from them it's a little unnerving. Our goal is to serve Jesus and in that we are willing to go where ever we wants us to go and do whatever He calls us to do. And right now I don't know if that means forget the whole international thing or chose a different country. We have so many documents done and approved and waiting for a destination. The United States Immigration has approved us and we have a home study completed which are two of the lengthiest parts of the process. So much just sitting around waiting for a country to be chosen.

God has His plan and right now He is holding back the revelation of it from us. Wow, is that ever so difficult to accept and be content with. But He is God and I am a speck and will be a joyful speck as I wait on Him for all things. To God be the glory, Amen.

Denied.

A simple word carries with it the weight of the world. My heart breaks for the thing that is not to be. On Tuesday our international adoption agency called to tell us the Rwandan government has reviewed our papers again and have denied us after accepting us 2 months ago and referring a child to us. What does one say after being denied. I hate that word because for me it's personal. It would be one thing if the country just said no, but not that long ago they said yes and we were inches from getting a picture and info on this little boy. I feel a lose and it goes deep.

I have learned, loved and wept for this country for 2 years now. Rwanda is a household word in our family and my children have been saving up pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters for the orphans at the Home of Hope in Kigali, Rwanda. We could almost taste the African air, but even though it all doesn't make sense I have the hope that keeps me breathing that I serve a Mighty God. He has a plan. He is in control. He loves me. Proverbs 16:9 continues to replay in my head over and over. "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Jesse and I ventured to follow where ever God led us and back again.

The world may deny us and see what our hearts yearn for as foolish, but God loved us enough to send His own beloved Son to take on the wrath that we deserve so that we may be adopted into God's family and be called sons of God. Adoption is a beautiful process full of hard work with a little extra hard work on the side.

So we move on... hopefully Joey, Josh and Nate will legally be ours in a couple of months and then we just keep plugging on. I rest in knowing I will never be denied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

The Revolving Door Syndrom

Do you ever feel like you're living in a revolving door? It opens and then it closes .... and then it opens again, but no, wait it's actually closing again! I know the Lord wants an obedient heart more than a check list of accomplishments and this is what He is proving again. The door to Rwanda may be closing and if it does this time it most likely will be for good. If we have to wait 6 months until after our boys from the state are legally adopted, which won't be till the end of the year, then everything will be outdated and Rwanda is not going to wait for us.

I struggle to see how after 10 months of believing we were never going to Rwanda and then finding out we can go and adopt a little boy to then having the opportunity taken from us again can glorify God. His ways are a mystery, but they are true and He is in control all the time and every time.

My heart yearns for the children of Rwanda. My family feels like something is missing. We have talked about this child for 2 years now and everyone in our home is longing to meet him. I wish other people could see that we don't adopt to fulfill something missing in our lives, but to live like Christ. This story is not about me, its not about 10 steps to adopting a bigger family, but about Christ's love. He loved me so much that He bore my sin upon the cross. He adopted me into His family that I might be called a Child of God. I pray that we would get to bring this little boy from Rwanda home and call him a Nuckollhead too.

A Simple Adoption

I think those words are antonyms. I don't know why I would have ever thought that this process at any point would be simple or easy. Right when we were getting used to having three extra boys in the family here comes the prospect of another one from Rwanda. At first it seemed like we just had to get a few "simple" things done and then we would be one a jet plane headed to Africa.

HAhahahahahaha...ha!

(That was a sad and evil laugh all at the same time.)

Our immigration fingerprint request has been sent back to us already because we didn't have the right form and our home study update doesn't seem like it's ever going to be updated. I could freak out about the thought that there is a little boy in Africa referred to us already and we need to go get him, but I won't (mostly because my husband said I can't). God knows who that little boy is and has already planned when he will be in our home. Who am I to think I know the times and dates of such things better than God. It's His plan and His glory!!!

Encouragement?!?

I always told myself not to post anything unless it was encouraging or positive. I didn't want to use this as a venting place, my prayer journal gets enough of that, but as a place of encouragement to show how God is working in and through me. Sometimes I need to remind myself that He is working even when I "feels" like He's not.

So I will try and drudge up some encouragement like...

the sun will come out tomorrow...or...God will never give you more than you can handle...or...Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world...or...good always triumphs over evil? Some of those are pretty weak, but the simple truth is,

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Truly Humbled

Jesse was showing me how to review my blog history and I was truly humbled. There is a button that shows me stats of how many people have read my posts and from where. There have been over 4,000 hits on my blog since I started last year sometime. Amazing! My blog has been looked at 54 times from South Korea, 27 times from Germany, and 11 times from the Ukraine. Praise God!

If you all think that I have anything worth reading to say then praise God because it all comes from Him. Now a days everyone and their dog has a blog, but many of you have chosen to take 5 minutes of your day to read about our household and I am truly humbled. It definitely makes me thankful for spell check! If only my high school English teacher could see me now.

My greatest hope is that I portray our family and adoption honestly and that God gets all the credit for the good things in our home. I do pray for those who leave comments and please know they are greatly appreciated and cherished.

Jumping through the HOOPS

I was reminded of the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament this morning and how God commanded the Israelite warriors to march around Jericho for so many days then blast their horns and shout. The walls came down and the Israelites won. Why would God make them do all that? It's not a formula for warfare and it definitely didn't make them look intimidating or aggressive.
SO...
Why would God open our hearts to adopt from Rwanda have us spend a year doing all the crazy paperwork to then close the door tightly. Then when a year has gone by God opened this closed door and is again guiding us to adopt from Rwanda. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this in the last two weeks. The only answer I can come up with is because He said so. When God speaks I listen. If He tells you to march around a city wall to overcome your enemy then you do it. If He tells you to serve at the local rest home or teach at a Christian school for peanuts or travel across the world to spread the gospel then you do it.
BECAUSE...
This world is about Him and my life belongs to Him. If God wanted to humble the Israelites to show His power and glory by being the only reason they overcame their enemy then He gets to because it's His world. I feel blessed to be shown His glory and power in my life everyday as I live in Crazytown. Who adopts 4 kids in one year, both domestically and internationally??? I am nooooo super woman, I am a sinner saved by grace, but I serve an amazing God!

The Number Game

My head already hurts from counting kids all the time. Everywhere we go I count heads. Sometimes I start with 8 and just think of who's not with us then subtract. Just when I was getting the numbers down God threw us a curve ball. Now I'm going to have to start with 9 and subtract.

We have been approved and been given a referral for a child in Africa. This wasn't supposed to happen. That door had been closed last summer. But God..... He is amazing and does amazing things when we are asleep, or not looking, or pursuing other things, or just plain tired. God closed that door and then designed for it to be opened at His appointed time.

This was an out of the blue blessing. I know many may think I'm in over my head and I would agree with them. But one has to ask the question, "Is God sovereign or not?" I believe He is in control of all things and works them together for His glory. So if God has entrusted three boys from the state to us plus my children that I gave birth to then He has a great plan for this family as He delivers one more from Africa. Oh boy, here we go!!!

As good as it gets, after 6 tries. (I mean with the camera, not the amount of children.) Poor Nate is hiding.

Bitter Sweet Joy

How do you rejoice over the loss of one mother's rights for her children. Today was a victory for the Nuckolls household, but I am having a hard time feeling true joy. The birth mother of our boys lost her rights today and even if I want to sing for joy because now we can move on with our adoption I'm finding it hard. Yes, her rights have been terminated, but that doesn't mean she doesn't exist anymore. They still have a birth mother and it's not me. The victory is all on paper and I pray that over the next several months the victory would be in all our hearts as well.

Now we wait for an adoption worker and spend the next 5-6 months having a lawyer do paperwork. The summer is almost here and the stress of the school year is winding down as we now try and figure out what to do this summer. Baby's crying and so my time on the internet is now up.

Small Feats

I took all six kids to JC Penney's in Reno today. I thought it could go o.k. because I told everyone they would get a new Easter shirt if they all behaved. I felt like a nut case. Who takes six kids to the mall on a Saturday right before a holiday on their own? Everyone wanted their shirt first and then they all had to go to the bathroom right when I wanted to pick out a new shirt for me.

All in all it was a fun day and after the trip to Chuck E. Cheese with Grandma and Grandpa Nuckolls and Aunt Melissa the In and Out burger and the Target Icee they were all very appreciative.

I felt bad this year because we haven't had the time to color eggs or made sugar cookies or do our own egg hunts. Those aren't the reason for Easter to be sure, but they are activities that have become family traditions. But maybe today we started a new tradtion, pig out in Reno and buy new shirts on sale! I'm tired now and next year Jesse and join us.

The Brain Blog

I wish this blog could just read my brain and write out a wonderful blog that encouraged and lifted those who read this. I don't have the time or energy (or joy at the moment) to write such an entry and so this is all I could think of. I'm not grumbling just wishing I had a clone to do all my work for me so that I could spend my time blogging or reading other bloggers.

On the other hand maybe I don't want any of you reading my brain, that could get messy! I could use your prayers though because all these kids wear me out and I'm running out of ideas on how to deal with them. My only solution so far is chocolate, not for them of course, but just for me. Those children don't need anymore sugar in their systems than what they get from fruit.

No brain blog, just old fashion typing.

Vacation From Life= Life Follows You

We are in Brookings, Oregon for our annual family vacation. Jesse and I have been a little reluctant to bring the boys to the condo because we didn't know if the new surroundings would be too much for them. Mel, Trent and Isabelle are used to this place and know what to do and look forward to. Last fall we took all the kids camping, after the boys had been with us for only a month, and it was chaos. So needless to say I was a little frightened of our stay here. Thankfully they have been pretty good and have enjoyed the beach and hikes.

But, I have to remember that a vacation with kids doesn't mean a vacation from life! On the car ride here Josh lost his dinner for the last 4 hours of the ride. I have never had a kid get car sick before. It's gross! Yesterday we went to a Wild Life Animal Park and it was great, everyone loved it, well Isabelle was a little frightened of all the goats and deer coming up to her, but she is a bit of a drama queen. The kids got to hold ferrets, skunks, opossums, and some kind of Asian raccoon thing. We saw lions, tigers and bear, truly! After the zoo we went and had fish and chips. Not too good for Joey's stomach. We were shopping in Bandon at a store when Joey says to me, "I don't feel good." I head him out of the store and within 2 seconds looses his lunch on the sidewalk. I'm used to Nate spitting up all the time, but revisiting fish and chips was not the perfect ending to the perfect day. We had to pull over every 10 minutes on the ride home to clean out his barf bag! I'm almost afraid to travel home on Wednesday, who's going to be sick then?

Life goes on, and we are making the best of our time together. Today it's coloring, cutting and movies. Little things keep the kids happy.

The Perfect Formula Tested

My theory for peacefulness in the house is snow. I asked God for that blessing again and we haven't seen much around here. We had a great run of 4 days where everyone was having fun and for the most part getting along. The temper tantrums were minimal and joy abounded. Well, that's over now and it's back to reality.

Like I've said before, with 8 people in the house and only 7 days a week my odds for peaceful days are not so good. It usually helps my odds if a couple of kids have off or difficult days together, except when those off days are at school and end you in the principal's office. Technically only one went to the principal's office, but the other one was on his way when I showed up to his class to leave early. Now really, how do you get sent to the principal in pre-school? I knew my little man would find a way if it was possible and telling your teacher no repeatedly should do the trick.

So, I'm going to ask for snow again and see if that brings back any harmony to the house this week-end. In truth, God is teaching me that regardless of circumstances or behaviors my hope and joy is found in Him. I just need to keep telling myself that and again clinging to the Cross of Christ!!!

The Perfect Formula

I've finally figured out the perfect formula for the perfect day! First, snow on the ground so that everyone is excited when they wake up. Second, light school schedule so that kids are excited to go play in the snow. Third, make lots of yummy food throughout the day for frozen kids to eat happily. Now if only God would grant us with this fresh snow every morning we may have something good going on here.

If only life was that simple. A formula or check list to follow to ensure a delighted heart and peaceful home. I just witnessed three days in a row where the floor didn't fall out from under me and nobody cried. Wow, what a wonderful respite God has granted me. No one broke the camel's back or pushed anyone over the edge. Either we are bonding better or they're all wearing me down so that I just don't notice anymore.

The plain truth is there is no perfect check list, just God's grace. Grace sufficient for all my needs. I had to go through last week to get to this week. I had to remember that Christ is all I need and that He loves me. Now, the real test is next week?!

There and Back Again, an adoptive mothers week.

I know it's not fair to just say adoptive mother because this could be any mothers story, but it's my blog and therefore my story!

What a week. I'm glad it's almost over. How can one person withstand so many emotional mood swings in just a few days? Started the week hopeful to have an answer to the boys being legally free. No such luck. Crested the week wanting to hide in a cave and never come out. I searched and we don't have such Hobbit dwellings in Fallon. Ended the week lowering one little boys meds and waiting for the fallout. Not one day has gone according to plan. I know they never will, but I have hope.

I feel sorry for my husband who has to pick up the pieces of his emotionally weak wife after he has dealt with inmates all day. Actually, maybe I should trade places with him. He can tell people to get back in their cells and be quiet, Nice!

It's hard to tell if I'm getting through to the boys, Joey in particular. We have discussions, well, I lecture and ask him questions that he doesn't answer. We've had a lot of these episodes this week. I pray that he will open up to me and let me in.

I get really nervous when people praise me in the endeavor that we are in because I feel like such a failure 100 times a day. I know for a fact that the only way that I keep breathing every day and getting out of bed and loving this household is because Christ is the air, reason and love that I live in. When all else seems futile, He is all I can cling to.

He who knew NO sin became sin so that I might be righteous before God. That is why we do what we do. Not because I think I'm an exceptional mother, anyone who knows me knows that's not the truth, but because I serve an awesome God!

Good Sign!

I guess it's a good sign that Jesse and I haven't frustrated, demented and warped our children beyond repair when my 12 year old daughter says to me today, "Next time we adopt I want a little sister." Now really, "Next time?" How about I get through this time first. We have three little boys in our home that we are still trying to adapt to and love. I have six children in my home that I'm trying to nurture, train and care for. So, really, next time? Well Melanie lets get through tomorrow with love in our words and kindness in our hearts then maybe in three or four or five years we might bring the subject up again.

Sweet though, don't you think????

January Blues

I used to get the January blues pretty bad. Once Melanie's birthday was over, on the 17th, until Valentines Day was a very depressing time of the year for me. Some of the darkest times in my life have been brought on by the doldrums of mid-winter. The times when you question your walk, mothering capabilities, direction in life and come up short of expectations and hopes. Those times that as much as I would like to forget about, God brought me through for a reason. Possibly those times were learning grounds of faith or courses in strength and perseverance.

Maybe it was the let down from the sugar rush of the holidays, but enough to say that in years past I dreaded the end of January... until now.

I forgot that it even was the end of January. I will take this as a plus for the encouragement of having a large family. You are so busy racing back and forth through your house and town that you can't keep the days straight. There is no more time for January blues. Now the month, like all the others, are a rush of color.

I think I started to get the blues yesterday, but these darn kids wouldn't leave me alone long enough for me to have a proper pity party. And even if they did I wouldn't remember why I was pitying myself anyway. Oh well, there is always next year!

Normalcy

I think I am loosing my mind. But maybe that is God's plan. If I loose my marbles then I might stop trying to control God and let Him work through me. I have continued to wait for it to lighten up and get easier around here. Silly me, I know. I have waited for my kids to fall in love with the boys and embrace them with open arms. I am delusional at best. I have looked forward to the day when I wake up and feel unconditional love for Josh and Joey. (Heavy sigh inserted here.)

Homeschooling is hard.

Taking in three brothers to adopt is harder.

Listening to God speak through all the chaos is hardest.

Loving those I live with like Christ loves me is impossible.

Good thing I'm not in this alone, but am surrounded by loving friends and family who serve in our lives selflessly and the grace of God that has become my very breath and sanity.

I'm just really thankful I didn't make anyone cry today! It must have been a good day, mostly!